


It starts with a stare

by taeku



Series: Allow me [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Angst, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-03-24
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:26:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23300041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taeku/pseuds/taeku
Summary: Sicheng knew he was in love with Johnny the day they went on vacation, during the fall. He knew he was in love because when he looked at Johnny, feet wet from playing with the ocean’s waves, he felt like his heart was breaking into thousands of pieces yet coming back to life right after.  He knew when he realised he would do anything to make him happy, in a way friends can’t.
Relationships: Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Series: Allow me [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1675609
Comments: 8
Kudos: 30





	It starts with a stare

**Author's Note:**

> so. when i said i wanted to make a soft sequel for johnwin, i meant it.   
> but.  
> the angst got the best of me. i am so very sorry.  
> this is going to be an on-going series now, so, hope you'll follow me down the johnwin path   
> thanks to val and m for beta-reading this monster (i really didn't plan for it to be this long)
> 
> hope you like it pals
> 
> ps : mention of panic attacks

When thinking about his friendship with Johnny, Sicheng doesn’t really know how to describe it. Doesn’t really know how to explain the beginning, the middle, where they are now. It all went so fast, he thinks. It all went fast because Johnny is the kind of person you can’t get away from once they entered your life. He’s the kind of person, once you’ve learned more about them, you want to protect at any given moment. He’s the kind of person so in love with others you have no other choices but to love back.

Sicheng saw that the very first time he met him.

The first thing he noticed about Johnny was how gorgeous he was, under the tamed light of the club. How peculiar his features were, giving him that uniqueness Sicheng fell for in seconds. How tall he was yet carried himself like he was trying to disappear, just a tiny bit. How fascinated he looked watching him dance, when Sicheng stared at him back. How terribly thankful his eyes were when Sicheng fucked him deep.

Sicheng didn’t really expect anything after the first night. Because one-night stands are common, because they barely ever become more, because sometimes you just want to fuck someone and not know more than what makes them shake and moan. He didn’t expect anything as he gave Johnny his number, yet he felt his heart miss a beat when he got an unknown call incoming, right after he left Johnny’s apartment. 

So it starts with a stare, Sicheng decides. All of this. All of Johnny.

The two other times they fucked, the three times they went to eat outside before Johnny decided that they were friends, not letting Sicheng any voice on it, the times they went out with friends at festivals, the times Sicheng caught himself staring a little too long for it to be neutral, friendly, innocent, the times Sicheng got to see Johnny smile at stray dogs and cats, making his heart hurt a way he didn’t allow himself to think about.

Johnny, Sicheng thinks, has opened the doors of a completely new world to him. 

That’s what he’s thinking about right now, watching as Johnny puts down the last of his boxes in the entryway, sighting deeply.

“You done?” he asks, bringing his cup of coffee to his mouth.

“Yes, finally” Johnny whines, scratching the back of his neck, eyes closed.

He’s tired, Sicheng can see it at the way his shoulders are down, shaking a little, at the dark circles under his eyes getting deeper by the days. He’s tired and it’s the type of tiredness Sicheng can’t help him with. Not that he didn’t try, but Johnny is Johnny, and he doesn’t really ask for anything, ever, especially when it comes to helping himself. And he has that annoying way of denying people’s help when given to him.

“Want me to bring those in your room while you take a shower?” Sicheng proposes, pointing at the boxes “You stink”

That makes Johnny laughs, a small, breathy thing, and Sicheng can’t help but smile back. That breathy thing Johnny does, Sicheng would do anything to hear it over and over again.

“Thanks” Johnny says “But I got it”

Sicheng nods then, making his way back to his own room. As he hears Johnny moving around in the apartment, Sicheng wonders. Was it a good idea, to have Johnny moving in with him? Was it a good idea, for both of them, to be around each other 24/7? Was it a good idea, to propose to the person you fell so deeply in love with to move in together? Sicheng thinks yes. Thinks that it’s only temporary, just a couple of weeks until Johnny’s building gets restored and he can come back to it. It’s what friends do, right? Helping one another.

And Sicheng is doing just that. Helping a friend.

He must have fell asleep shortly after that, because when he opens his eyes, the lighting is a bit different, the sun not coming up like it did what feels like just a few minutes ago. And there’s a warmness behind him, warmness only another body can give, and Sicheng knows Johnny’s right here, his torso pressed against his back, nose buried in the crock of his neck, arms locked around his waist.

Sicheng closes his eyes again, allows himself to enjoy that feeling, sweet yet bitter, in his chest. It’s not the first time they’ve done that. Cuddling. They do it quite often, Sicheng thinks. Because Johnny is a cuddler, because sometimes, instead of crying out his frustration from work, he simply hugs. And Sicheng hugs back. Always.

They stay like this for a while, Sicheng balancing between sleep and consciousness. It’s hunger that wakes him up completely, his stomach crumbling loudly, making Johnny laughs in his ears. Turning, over, Sicheng moves his arms, catching Johnny’s neck, pulling him closer. He doesn’t actually know when it started, but one day, he surprised himself playing with Johnny’s locks, the latter sighing under the touch, silently telling him to keep going. So Sicheng did. And keeps on doing it every chance he gets, just like right now.

Lazily, he lets his fingers wonder on Johnny’s head, caressing, massaging, playing. Johnny sighs, moving just a tiny bit, finding a more comfortable position. There’s a tension in him, Sicheng notices, when he starts touching his neck, making him shiver.

“You’re tensed” he says, putting more pressure into his fingers.

Johnny doesn’t answer right away, instead buries his face deeper into Sicheng’s chest.

“My boss called me” he finally says, looking up “Said I had to do some extra work for him before the end of the week”

Sicheng looks down at Johnny, hands stilling. He hates it, the look in Johnny’s eyes. That same look he saw just a couple of months ago, when Johnny was working on a particularly difficult contract. It’s going down again, and Sicheng hates this. Hates to see Johnny doubting himself over some fucked up demands.

“But it’s Friday” he says, frowning “How does he expect you to do extra work?”

Johnny shrugs, closing his eyes. Doesn’t answer.

“You need to quick that job” Sicheng tells him.

This isn’t the first time they talk about this. This isn’t the first time Sicheng tells Johnny to quick, to save himself from such an impossible work, even if the money is good. Because he remembers the night he found Johnny on his bathroom’s floor, tears falling down his cheeks, in the impossibility of breathing correctly, body shaking. Sicheng remembers how scared he was, seeing his friend on an hospital bed, machines all around him.

That night, he promised himself never again.

“I can’t see you break a second time”

The whisper sounds like a scream in his hears. And it’s suddenly too quiet, too static, too much. Sicheng doesn’t like the way he can feel his heart tight, how Johnny’s arms feel against his stomach, how they both know what he’s referring to but act like it never happened.

“Let’s not talk about that” Johnny whispers, a pleading in his voice.

Sicheng closes his eyes again. Takes a deep breath. Alright, he thinks. Alright. He’ll play the game of pretend, for the second time.

  


-

The first time they kiss out of sex, Johnny is drunk out of his mind and Sicheng isn’t.

It happened the same night Johnny went out with some of his colleagues to celebrate a successful investment, but Sicheng knew Johnny’s heart wasn’t there. He knew because three days prior, Johnny called him sobbing, in the middle of a panic attack. But Johnny stays Johnny and he swallowed all of it and put a fake face on.

Johnny usually isn’t a big drinker. Sicheng came to learn it the night Yuta called him, voice full of hardly contained panic, asking for his help, explaining how Johnny had lost it, how he never does that, how terrifying it is to see your friend turn into someone else.

That night wasn’t very different. When Johnny called him, in the middle of the night, Sicheng knew. He knew when he heard his rambling voice, saying “hi” and “hi Sicheng”, that he went out of his head.

“Where are you?” Sicheng asked, already putting a jacket on. It went silent for a second, Sicheng only hearing Johnny’s laboured breath. Then, a whine.

“I can drive” Johnny said _-cried-_ “I’m fine, you know. I’m fine, no need to-“

Johnny didn’t finish his sentence, as a loud sound cut him, making Sicheng’s heart beat faster.

“Johnny? What happened?”

Rambling words, only rambling words could be heard from the distance before a whine. Then, a clear voice.

“Hello?” Sicheng didn’t know that voice “Sorry, are you one of Johnny’s friends?”

“Yes” Sicheng answered immediately, heart dropping “Yes, I am”

He felt his heart do a thing, a hurtful thing, the need to make sure Johnny was alright too strong too quickly.

“Johnny’s… hm... very drunk” said the voice “Says he can take his car but- hey, Johnny, come here buddy, don’t do that”

Sicheng closed his eyes, resting his head against his driving wheel. Fuck, he thought. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

“I’m on my way. Just text me your location”

The drive to the bar seemed incredibly long, way too long for Sicheng’s heart. He knew he shouldn’t have let Johnny go out, not after the amount of stress and anxiety he was put through, but Johnny. Fucking Johnny. Never listens. Never lets others take care of him, always thinks that pushing himself more will fix things. It doesn’t. Of course it doesn’t, but he ignores it.

When Sicheng got to the bar, the first thing he saw was Johnny sitting on the ground, head low between his legs. There was someone next to him, hand on his shoulder, recomforting. Sicheng ignored him. Instead, quickly walked over them, kneeling in front of Johnny, not caring about wasting his new pants.

“Johnny” he whispered, trying to catch a cling of his friend’s eyes “Hey, John, look at me”

His hands were delicate around his jaw, eyes silently pleading. And yes, he was most probably being way too dramatic, getting worried like that, because getting drunk isn’t the worst that can happen to someone. But Johnny can’t take alcohol that well, gets reckless when out of his mind, numbed. When Johnny finally looked at him back, Sicheng’s breath got stuck in his throat. Because Johnny’s been crying, eyes red, so red. And all Sicheng wanted to do was take him in his arms and never let go, take all his worries away from him, tell him that everything was going to be alright.

He didn’t. Instead, made him get up, walk to his car, making sure that he wasn’t going to vomit. When he turned around, facing Johnny’s colleague, he could see in the man’s eyes how worried he was, too. Sicheng wanted to ask, wanted to know if anything bad had happened, if Johnny said anything that could put him in trouble. Instead, he cleared his throat, nodding his head.

“Thank you, hm”

“Taeil” said the man, offering him a small smile.

“Taeil. Thank you, for not letting him alone” Sicheng said, jaws tight.

“Of course”

When back home, Johnny showered and lying in Sicheng’s bed, Sicheng could finally breath normally again. He hated being like this, all worked up and unsteady. Unfortunately, he found himself in those states more often than not since meeting Johnny. But Johnny wasn’t the problem. His work was. And when Sicheng got in bed too, the silence that followed fell on him like a bomb. He knew, could feel, that Johnny wanted to say something, but didn’t find the right way to express.

Sicheng didn’t push him.

“I was so fucking scared” Johnny murmured, after some times, breath shuttering “Sicheng, you have no idea of scared I was”

But Sicheng knew, all too well, how scared Johnny was. Saw it first raw. The fear of losing his job, the fear of not being good enough, quick enough, rentable enough. All of this eating him up day after day. How Sicheng hated this, but couldn’t do anything. Sighing, Sicheng got on one elbow, turning to Johnny, forcing him to look at him in the eyes.

“Johnny” he said, voice as soft as he could make it “Please, listen to me and don’t go out drinking like this anymore”

There were so many other things he wanted to say to Johnny. So many advices, so many ways he wanted to yell at him, show him how frustrated he had gotten because of him and his stupid envy of being _good_. But Sicheng was no one. Sure, he was Johnny’s friend, but he didn’t have any rights to tell him what he could or couldn’t do with his life, even if it was killing him slowly. And what he wanted Johnny to understand, the most, was that it didn’t only affected him, but everyone around him.

But before he could say anything in return, Johnny had kissed him. Had gotten on his elbows, too, and connected their lips in a kiss too brutal and uncoordinated to be pleasant. Sicheng hadn’t expected that. Hadn’t planned for Johnny to be so straight forward. But again, Johnny was drunk, and drunk Johnny did stupid things all the time.

Sicheng might have been weak, that night. Might have left Johnny kissed him more than he should have, but he didn’t have it in him to push him away. The feeling of Johnny’s lips against his was something he didn’t have the privilege to experiment often. But Sicheng was selfish. And he let himself be kissed by Johnny, kissed and kissed, tasting the alcohol and the toothpaste on his tongue, until he couldn’t anymore, couldn’t control the way his hands started shaking, the way his entire body responded.

This was wrong.

“Johnny” he said, breaking the kiss, getting away. “Johnny, please, stop”

Johnny’s breath, hot and shuttering, was an awfully good sensation against Sicheng’s skin. Sweet yet bitter. Hurtful. They stayed in silence for a bit, both trying to calm down, take control again. Johnny’s the first one to back away. When Sicheng opened his eyes, he found Johnny looking at him, eyes watery and unfocused. Face red.

“Sorry, I should have asked” he whispered, blinking, biting on his lips.

Sicheng looked at him, at his lips, wished that could be him, right now, biting, kissing, bruising. It’s a good thing Johnny didn’t ask for a kiss, because Sicheng would have given it to him. Would have kissed him all night, everywhere. Gave him more, if that was what he wanted. But this wasn’t right, he didn’t have the right, he couldn’t, couldn’t, couldn’t.

“Go to bed” he whispered instead, pushing Johnny gently “You need to rest”

Johnny fell asleep almost right away, but Sicheng didn’t. He stayed awake, burning himself in thoughts, on the other side of a bed too big for just one person.

  


-

  


In the weeks that went by after Johnny’s moving, Sicheng discovered a new way of living. He never lived with anyone before, and adapting to a new dynamic was weird, yet not unpleasant. Maybe it’s because it was Johnny. Maybe because Sicheng felt so right to be around him, all the time, that he didn’t mind the changes. And changes there were.

Johnny wasn’t like Sicheng with his belongings. He would let his clothes hang in the living room, would let the dishes in the sink until he felt able to wash them, would spend all day in his pj’s if he could.

People often say you really know someone after you’ve lived with them. And it was true. Sicheng discovered so many things, little things, seemingly insignificant things about Johnny since they started sharing a place. Like the way his face would change when slowly falling asleep in front of a movie, like the way he would stretch a certain way to make the pain in his back fade away, like the way he would look at Sicheng with the affection and admiration of a five years old when he thought he couldn’t see him. Like the way Johnny wakes up, in the morning, eyes still fuzzy, face red, and how he would smile at Sicheng with just his eyes.

If Sicheng was in love before, he’s definitely fell harder by now.

It’s his phone’s notification that tears him out of his work that afternoon. He had been under some pressure lately, work slowly growing more and more demanding as new clients arrived. That’s why he didn’t really feel lonely after Johnny went overseas for his work, head too focused on not falling behind. Yet, when Sicheng looks at his phone, and the messages written on it, Sicheng suddenly feels alone. And missing something.

  


>> Johnny

This conference is boring.

Please distract me or I’m gonna scream

  


>> Sicheng

You know I’m working, too, right?

  


>> Johnny

Right

So, no distraction?

  


Sicheng smiles. Despite everything, Johnny never changes. Always turning the situation to his advantage. Shaking his head, Sicheng looks around. His work is almost done for the day, he ate, and no one’s around. He’s not really good at finding distractions, doesn’t know what could work without him ridiculing himself in the process. Yet, he’s aware of one thing that Johnny likes, and requests often. Sicheng isn’t sure if he likes it or not, doesn’t dislike it per say, but is still weird to him.

Yet he does it. Because, Johnny.

When he poses in front of his phone’s camera, he feels a bit stupid, a bit out of place. Not because it’s his working place (ok, kind of), but because he’s never really been good, or keen on taking photos of himself. Never really liked photos, really. His mother has always nagged and asked him to pose with his family or in front of places they would visit. But recently, it’s been ok. Not so weird anymore.

When he sends the picture, a simple, humble picture of his face and the top of his shoulders, he tries not to think too much about it. Not that he’s not confident in his looks, he knows he’s quite good looking, but because it’s always stressful, to wait and see the reaction. It’s stressful because it’s Johnny and Sicheng cares a little bit too much about his opinion.

Sicheng doesn’t get an answer right away, which, is fine. Because they’re both at work, and sometimes you get distracted. Sicheng can’t go back to work, though. Can’t focus on anything else than Johnny’s answer. Sighing, he gets up. He needs to do something other than staring at his phone. So he walks out, refills his bottle of water, salutes one or two colleagues passing by. And when he comes back, Johnny responded.

  


>> Johnny

You’re really pretty

Like. So fucking pretty

  


Sicheng stares at the words for a long time. Can’t do much other than feel his face going red and his stomach flip. But not the good flip. The flip that hurts you, that makes you want to do reckless things, like send back a message you know you’ll regret. The kind that reminds you that you can’t always have what you want. Because Johnny is nice and doesn’t filter his compliments. It’s fine. He’s fine.

  


>> Johnny

Sorry

Too much?

  


Sicheng might have stared a bit too long. Blinking, he tapes out an answer, hands sweaty, for some reasons.

  


>> Sicheng

No

Thank you

  


Sicheng wants to say “you too” and “you’re the most beautiful person out there”. Wants to drown Johnny under compliments. But he doesn’t. Because that would be weird, that would be exposing himself and his feelings and the way he looks at his _friend_. So he keeps it for himself, keeps it safe, deep inside.

  


>> Johnny

Tell me I’m pretty too

  


When Sicheng’s eyes fall on a picture of Johnny, the way he looks up at the camera and smiles with his eyes, lips slightly bitten, Sicheng feels like he stopped breathing. _Fuck_ , he thinks. _I’m in too deep._

  


>> Sicheng

You are

The prettiest

  


_I wish I could kiss you_ , he thinks. _I wish you allowed me to love you, just a little more_.

When he comes home that night, to a still very empty apartment, Sicheng wished he never invited Johnny to live with him.

  


-

  


Sometimes, all love does is hurt us.

It hurts because it traps you, keeps you thinking, over and over again, about one thing and so many things at the same time. Love isn’t nice to you. It will make you feel things you never thought could be felt, ever, not like that, not that much. Love will make you question everything, and anything. Important things as much as insignificant things. Why like this and not like that? Why them and not me? Why do they seem happier than me, when we’re all in love?

Love forces you to do things. Buy presents, flowers, dinners, little toys that would make your partner happy. It changes you. Sometimes in a good way. Sometimes not. When you fall in love, you find yourself trying so hard for things, making plans and having expectations over someone. And they give back, they do as much as you. But sometimes they don’t. Sometimes the person you love doesn’t see you the way you see them. Sometimes that person likes you, but not enough. Sometimes you get hurt, but still love.

Yet.

Love allows you another vision. It shows you the peculiar way they drink, or eat, or dance when they’re excited. It shows you who they are, who they wish to be, who they will be. Love makes you smile because they smile, laugh because they laugh, happy because they’re happy. Love can make you a better person, because you want to be good for someone, _to_ someone. It will allow you to reflect on yourself and your actions and give you gratification because someone will kiss and hold you at the end of the day.

Sicheng loved before. He loved and gave a lot of himself, yet no one ever felt the way Johnny felt. No one made Sicheng so sad yet happy the way Johnny did.

Sicheng knew he was in love with Johnny the day they went on vacation, during the fall. He knew he was in love because when he looked at Johnny, feet wet from playing with the ocean’s waves, he felt like his heart was breaking into thousands of pieces yet coming back to life right after. He knew when he realised he would do anything to make him happy, in a way friends can’t. When Johnny took him in his arms, into a hug, a big smile on his face, telling him thank you for taking him here

Johnny, Sicheng thought, was too good. Too pure. Too gentle. And this world wasn’t. It was harsh and brutal and ready to destroy you if you didn’t fight back. So Sicheng took it upon himself to fight the world for Johnny. Took it upon his power to keep him safe, the most he could.

Sicheng loves Johnny. He loves him stupidly. Loves stupid things. Those stupid little things that no one sees, but make him feel warm and happy to be able to experience it, experience Johnny in a different way.

And Sicheng doesn’t know if he hates himself for it or not.

  


-

  


When Johnny comes back from his trip, the first thing he does is kiss Sicheng. He kisses his mouth, his neck, his stomach. Touches him everywhere, whispering things Sicheng forgot because he closed his mind the moment be felt Johnny against him.

Sicheng was selfish that night. He was selfish for letting himself be touched by Johnny, selfish for taking him right there, in their living room. Selfish because he missed him and wanted so much more than what he got.

Sicheng took as much as he could of Johnny, because he didn’t know when he would be lucky enough to have this again.

  


-

  


Sicheng is sitting on Kun’s patio, a glass of white wine in hands, looking at nothing in particular when Kun joins him. Today’s Ten’s birthday, and Kun organised a not so secret party for him, and Sicheng was more than willing to help. Especially when it concerned telling everything to Ten at 3 am in the morning, drunk over his head and sad over a boy who didn’t love him back.

Kun stays silent when he sits, so Sicheng doesn’t say anything either. He can feel his friend’s eyes on him, but pretends not to notice, focusing his eyes on the first thing his eyes can catch. Johnny is playing games with Ten, on the other side of the garden. The game implies water, so Johnny’s cloths are wet, stick to his torso. Sicheng can see, even so slightly, the form of his stomach, the dark patch of his nipples.

It shouldn’t feel weird, to see Johnny like that, but each time, every damn time, Sicheng feels hot under the collar. He knows what Johnny looks like under that shirt. He had touched him, felt him, kissed and licked him there, more than once, so why, why does he feel like a teenager all the time? Why does he feel like running to him to kiss him senseless? Breathless? Sicheng hates when he gets like this. Hates when he can’t control his feelings and body. Hates when he can’t hide behind the cold facade he puts on every day.

“When are you going to tell him?” Kun asks him, slowly drinking his beer.

Blinking, Sicheng turns to him, confused. The look in Kun’s eyes tells him all he needs to know before he goes back to watch Johnny and Ten play. Ten screams then, pushing Johnny away, body completely socked in water.

“Telling who what?”

It’s a thing he does a lot, lately. Pretending not to understand when people talk to him about Johnny. Pretending like his desperate love for the guy isn’t written all over his face for the general public to see.

“Telling Johnny you’re in love with him” Kun says, voice a bit too soft for Sicheng’s liking.

It’s funny, really. People know Sicheng is in love with Johnny. Been for a while now, and probably will for a long time after that. People know, but Johnny doesn’t. Or pretends not to know, acting like everything is fine and Sicheng isn’t burning each time they touch, or sleep in the same bed because storms are scary and Johnny needs cuddles to calm the fear.

Maybe Johnny knows, but Sicheng doesn’t think it’s the case. Sicheng believes that Johnny closed himself to love a long time ago, when he got his heart broken, and doesn’t think he deserves love or will ever find someone to love him again the right way. Sicheng could. Sicheng would love Johnny in so many ways if only he was given the opportunity. But he doesn’t. Because Johnny is closed off and oblivious and so very annoying.

So Sicheng waits. He will wait as long as it takes for Johnny to open himself to the world again. He’ll wait until he’ll got the chance to confess or Johnny finds someone to love, other than him.

“When he’ll be ready” he tells Kun, looking back at him.

Kun’s eyes betray his concern, and sadness, if Sicheng dares to look into it more.

“I’ll tell him when I’m sure it won’t break him”

From the corner of his eyes, he can see Johnny sitting on the grass, chest heaving from running around. Ten screams again, followed but Hani, who took Johnny’s place in the game.

“And when will that be?” Kun asks. Sicheng can’t determine if it’s sadness or annoyance in his voice. He decides he doesn’t care.

Sicheng can’t tell when Johnny will finally change. Can’t see the future or magically make him realise that love his everywhere, right in front of his eyes, and that he won’t hurt like the last time. He wishes though. Wishes so damn hard every day that Johnny will come to him one day, and tell him that he likes him too, that they have a chance together. It hasn’t happened yet.

Getting up, he drinks the last of his glass. Walks to Hani and Ten, a small smile on his lips, asking to play with them for a bit. And Sicheng doesn’t answer because he doesn’t have an answer to give.

Not to Kun nor his heart.

  


-

Sicheng always thought that, as an adult, when talking about love, it would only always fall on the marriage and kids’ topics. Because that’s what adults do, right? Get married and have kids. Talk about their marriages and kids and how exhausting it is to deal with everything at once.

Sicheng’s always been sceptical about all this. Because kids and marriage never really had any interest for him, he never really took time to think about it, nor did he see himself married with kids anytime soon. Some of his friends did, put expectations and desires, talked about them during dinners. Sicheng never really knew what to say to them, because how do you talk about something you have no knowledge or intertest on?

Sicheng always had a naïve view on love. Always saw it as something more than just material, just practical. Societal. Sicheng saw love as something so subjective, so deeply independent nothing could intervene with it. No rules, no conditions, not expectations. It was here, and unbeatable. Once you loved someone, it was here, stronger than the rest. Stronger than the rules around us.

Sicheng’s always been a dreamer. Hidden behind the cold, unreadable façade, dreams of love and happiness were here, as vivid as you can imagine. And Sicheng had loved. Deeply. He had loved and gave everything he could think of for others to turn on him, in the end. Because they wanted more than he could give, and Sicheng would be damned if he ever made promises he could never keep.

Marriage he couldn’t give, because he didn’t believe in it. Kids he couldn’t have, because he never felt the need to have them. So people left him to find that elsewhere.

He never had that problem with Johnny. Because they never talk about it, never even mention it in their daily conversations. So Sicheng thought, maybe. Maybe this could be it for him. Maybe Johnny could be what he was looking for in someone. Just, simplicity. No conditions, expectations or sacrifices so big it would change the fundament of yourself. But Johnny was always out of reach, too high for Sicheng to hold. To reach.

He thought he did, once. When Sicheng went to Johnny’s apartment and they drank an entire bottle of wine in the middle of the night because neither of them could sleep. He thought he could reach him then because Johnny started to ramble about his failed relationships and stupid desires. He thought he could have it all, with him.

“I always thought that, when you’re with someone, they’re like your guardian angel” Johnny had said, after they’ve been laying down in silence, in the middle of the living room. “They look after you, take care of you, are always by your side. All that kind of shit”

At that very moment, Sicheng’s heart did a thing. Stopped and stayed silent for a while, hurting.

“And I want that, you know? A guardian angel”

Johnny’s voice was so low it almost felt like a dream, an illusion Sicheng’s drunk brain created, out of villainy. But it wasn’t. Johnny was being honest, vulnerable. Johnny was telling things he probably never told anyone. Or at least not _anyone._ It was a sign, wasn’t it? When people felt comfortable enough to open up their heart to you. It was a sign they trusted you enough. And Sicheng wanted that. Wanted Johnny to trust him with anything, like he did with him. Sicheng wanted everything of Johnny, every bit of skin and thoughts.

Sicheng wanted to be able to touch him. With his hands, his lips, his heart. He wanted to reach him, be there for him, protect him from thing he knew hurt him.

“Let me be that” he whispered, eyes glued on Johnny’s right profile.

 _Please_ , he begged in his head. _Please, let me in._

The moment Johnny turned his face to him, eyes a bit glassy, eyebrows raised, Sicheng closed his eyes. Turned his face away.

“Be what?” Johnny asked back, just as silently.

Suddenly, finding words was difficult. Suddenly, expressing his thoughts became impossible. It was stupid, he thought, that there were so much he wanted to say but couldn’t because his throat was too tight. While around Johnny, Sicheng always found himself out of words, which never _ever_ happened before. All he could do was shrug, look away, or kiss him breathless. The latter option screaming in his mind more often than it should.

Sicheng didn’t want to respond. Didn’t want words to explain what he felt. Wanted his hands to do the work instead. His mouth, too. His tongue. Sicheng wanted his body to express what his words couldn’t. Because opening Johnny up, sliding into him slowly, kissing his moan and pitchy sounds away was so much easier. So simple. So, raw. Sincere. Fucking Johnny, slow and purposely, that was what Sicheng was good at. That was what he wanted to do for the rest of his life.

He did none of this. Would probably never do.

“Your guardian angel” Sicheng finally said.

His eyes were still closed, but he could feel the burn behind them. The pressure and wetness building up, menacing.

“Let me take care of you”

The silent that followed was suffocating. Abnormal. But the arms that reached out to him, hugged him tight, made it easier to breath. To accept that he’ll only ever have access to a limited part of Johnny. But that was enough, for now. As long as he could have him close, limited access was fine.

Sicheng was fine.

  


-

  


“Yell at me” is the first thing Johnny tells him tonight, after Sicheng loses his temper and swings a glass against their kitchen’s wall. “Yell at me” are the three words that get Sicheng back to reality.

Sicheng, if he listens to Johnny, hasn’t been the same lately. He’s been reckless in his job, reckless in his wording, reckless in taking general care of everything. And he’s right, obviously. He’s right about all of it. Sicheng knows that, but can’t do anything about it. It’s just his job, he tells himself. His boss. His disrespectful clients. The atmosphere at the office. All of this turning him into a ball of nerve ready to snap at any given moment.

Tonight was the moment, it seems.

Slowly, Sicheng turns over, to Johnny standing at the door. There’s worry and pain in his eyes, things Sicheng doesn’t want to see. His fists are so tight he can feel his nails penetrating his palms. It’s great, it keeps him focused. Keeps him away from his thoughts.

“What?” he says, voice raspy, looking at the ground.

Johnny takes a few step forwards, hands up like he was holding a white flag.

“Yell at me” he repeats “Go. I’m listening”

The more Johnny comes to him, the more Sicheng retracts himself, up against the wall.

“No”

There’s no reason for him to do that. There’s no reason for Johnny to be on the receiving end of his frustration and anger. He’s not going to be that type of person. He’s going to swallow it up, like he always does. He’s good at it. It’s fine.

“Sicheng”

Sicheng can’t determine the tone in Johnny’s voice. Doesn’t want to. Because he doesn’t understand it, because it might hurt him if he tries. And Sicheng doesn’t want to get hurt. He had enough. He’s more angry than hurt, right now, but it’s on fine ice.

“I’m not yelling at you Johnny, what the fuck” he laughs.

It resonates in the room and Sicheng wishes for the tv to be on, so its sound would distract him. Instead, there’s just his ragged breath and Johnny’s own breath, steady. Sicheng wants to be alone, right now, wants Johnny to be gone so he can _think_ and figure out what to do next. But Johnny isn’t going anywhere, because he lives here now, and because he’s the type of person that will be there for you, even when you don’t want it.

“You need to” he hears him say, voice low.

This is messed up, Sicheng tells himself. He can’t just yell at Johnny because his job ~~-Johnny-~~ makes him frustrated and unable to keep it all in. What he needs is space, and silence, a good bath maybe, but not Johnny being yelled at.

“No”

Johnny’s hands are on his shoulders now, squeezing a bit, just enough to force him to look up. Sicheng can feel the tears building up, his throat getting tighter, his head buzzing. So he closes his eyes, puts his hands on Johnny’s torso, as he was trying to push him away.

“I don’t need that”

“What is it that you need then?” Johnny wonders, stepping even closer “Tell me so I can give it to you”

So much. There’s so much Sicheng needs. A good night sleep, junk food, Johnny. Johnny all over. Johnny on his bed. Johnny around him. Johnny, Johnny, Johnny. But he can’t have him, it’s not right, not what he should be needing so much. Yet it burns him, the need of Johnny. His hands burn where they touch. His lips burn when they kiss. His skin, too. Everything is on fire and there is no water for him to drink or jump into. No water to save him.

He swallows, dry saliva making him cough. Johnny’s face is there, right there, tempting him, almost offering. But he can’t, right? He must not. He must.

“Can I kiss you?”

It takes a couple of seconds for Johnny to answer, but when he does, Sicheng feels like his world breaks into millions of pieces. Breaks and breaks and breaks until he can find the pieces and reassemble them together. It’s slow, so very slow, when they kiss. Not what Sicheng expected. It’s slow, Johnny taking the renes of it all, pushing Sicheng against the wall, the pieces of the broken glass crashing under their feet.

Sicheng wants more, needs more, quicker, ruder, meaner. Johnny doesn’t let him. What he does though, is kiss him breathless, kiss him until he moans in his mouth, needy of air. He takes him to his bedroom, backward, slow, there too. 

They make love, that night. They make love and it feels too much like a dream, like a reality Sicheng has been denying himself for a very long time. It feels so good it’s wrong, and Sicheng finds himself crying, in the crock of Johnny’s shoulder.

 _Please,_ he begs _, please love me back. Love me back_

  


-

  


They don’t talk about it, afterward. Because there’s nothing to talk about.

And Sicheng’s heart breaks a little more.

  


-

For some reasons, the weeks that passed between the moment Johnny moved in with him and the moment he left felt like a fever dream.

For some reasons, the pain Sicheng felt watching Johnny live around him was nothing compared to the pain he feels right now, standing in Johnny’s newly restored apartment.

And for some reasons, Sicheng’s heart couldn’t take it anymore. The longing. The hope. The endless giving.

He doesn’t really understand why, all of a sudden. Why does he feel the need to express what he’s been repressing for so long? Why does his heart pains him that bad? Sicheng thinks it’s the fear. Fear he’s been avoiding ever since they started living together. Fear that Johnny would leave him. Fear that he’ll never really have his chance with him. Ever. Fear that Johnny saw right through him but was too nice to actually reject him.

Because now that they’ll be apart again, will things still be the same? Will they still be Johnny and Sicheng, or are they going to start avoiding the presence of the others? Did Sicheng’s love scared Johnny off? It’s not possible, right? Johnny would never? He’s too kind.

That’s why the instant the words come out of his mouth, Sicheng feels like the world has taking a bit too much fun into torturing him. 

“You didn’t understand me, did you?”

His voice is strangely steady, compared to the rest of him. Compared to his messy thoughts and tight fists, trembling legs. There’s a cold sweat dripping from his hair, to the back of his neck. His eyes feel way too dry for the number of tears he wishes he could shred. All of this is wrong. Johnny looking at him with upper confusion. The messy boxes all around them. Sicheng’s body unwilling to respond to him. Sicheng’s heart finally burning out. The tiredness all over.

This was all wrong.

Yet. Now that it was done, Sicheng tells himself, the least he could do was to jump all in.

Eyes closed, jaw tensed, Sicheng lets go of a very long, very deep breath. A breath he’s been holding for far too long, he realises.

“When I said you should let me be your guardian angel” he ends up saying, looking right into Johnny’s eyes.

Johnny is stupidly standing in front of him, his living room a complete mess. His eyes are wild open, full of confusion and something more Sicheng refuses to look at. It hits Sicheng like a rock when Johnny shakes his head, like he has no idea what Sicheng’s talking about. Because, yeah. They were a bit drunk when they had that discussion, but not drunk enough to _not_ remember. But maybe Johnny really doesn’t remember. Maybe he swiped it out of his memories because your brain does that sometimes, when you’re too vulnerable.

“What?”

“You don’t remember, do you?” Sicheng half laughs.

“No!” Johnny responds immediately “I remember. Just-“

Johnny scratches the back of his neck, browns frown. He looks like he’s mad, but it’s the confusion. The insecurities. The misunderstanding.

“The way you meant it” he continues “It’s friendship”

Sicheng blinks. His entire body gets cold. And he doesn’t know if he wants to laugh or cry first. Because. Fuck. Yeah, this is it. This is the moment he’ll tell his friend, his closest friend, that it’s never been about friendship between them. It’s the moment Sicheng is about to confess that when he gave Johnny his number, that first night, was because he wanted more. Wanted to be his. Not in a friendship way, not in a just sex way. In a way that meant something deep. Something _more_.

Perhaps he should have been honest from the start. Perhaps he should have been brave and call their meetings dates from the very beginning. Perhaps that would have made things better. Hurtless. But Sicheng hasn’t been brave, and now he pays the price.

He takes a few steps towards Johnny, eyes watery. Hands shaking.

“What I meant is…” he starts, biting his lips, passing his hands through his hair. “What I-“

 _Come on Sicheng_ , he yells at himself. _Just say it. Just they the damn words!_

“I was trying to say I was in love with you” he breaths out “I _am_ in love with you”

People say that when you confess, you feel better. Your heart gets lighter, your brain stars working properly again. You’re relieved, read of the burden of secrecy. Sicheng feels none of that. It’s the contrary, in fact. He feels like drowning, like his head is on the burst of exploding, like he made the worst mistake of his life.

He doesn’t dare look up, doesn’t want to see Johnny’s face change, his eyes shut, his lips turn into a fine line. Doesn’t want to acknowledge the reality of it all. The reality that he just possibly broke one of the best things that happen to him in a long time.

Yet, silence gives him an answer. It tells something, when people don’t say a word after you confessed.

“I love you, Johnny” Sicheng says again, smiling to himself “And it’s not friendship”

Sicheng might be numb, but not enough to not notice the tears that have started falling down his face, into his neck. Tears he’s been denying for so long. And it feels nice, finally, to cry. Even if it’s silent and slow, it’s still here, and it’s liberating.

Sicheng is finally free a secret that made him drown more than it made him happy.

They stay silent for a long time, it feels like. A silence that allows the both of them to think, to swallow the pill, to be clear with themselves. And when Sicheng looks up, in the end, what he sees on Johnny’s face is what breaks him for good. The fear is what breaks him.

Johnny’s fear of love might be a complete mystery to Sicheng, but it’s here, it’s real and it pushes Johnny to run away. This is the last thing Sicheng wants. Johnny running away from him out of fear is Sicheng’s biggest worry. And it’s happening right now, right in front of him. He sees Johnny’s watery eyes, the witness of his face, his difficulty to swallow. And Sicheng wants nothing more than to hug him, whisper sweet nothing into his ears.

But he can’t.

He just stands here, in a messy living room, watching as the man he’s been so in love with battles with himself. Battles with his feelings and his unforgiving fear.

“I don’t know… I don’t know what to say, Sicheng”

_I don’t know what to say other than sorry. No._

Sicheng knows. And he can’t stand the shakiness in Johnny’s voice. So he looks down, shakes his head. It’s alright, he wants to say. It’s alright, I get it, I knew it, just forget about it. He wants to speak again, maybe apologize for making things harder than they need to be. Wants to scream at himself for speaking up, because what’s so fucking hard in keeping his mouth shut? Couldn’t he just help Johnny unbox in peace and go home to his now too silent apartment?

He was stupid to thing that Johnny might feel the same. And he was stupid enough to fucking confess and let the most vulnerable part of himself out, in the wild, at Johnny’s mercy. It all feels like a waste now. His love, his help, his expectations. All of it, a waste. Waste of time, waste of energy, waste of thoughts.

Sicheng shouldn’t be feeling like that. It’s wrong, and harmful, but he can’t stop. Can’t stop the overfolding mess of thoughts going on in his head right now. The bitterness, the hurt, the regret. Because he really believed. Wished. Because Johnny had that particular way of looking at him, of smiling at him. Johnny had that sweetness Sicheng couldn’t find anywhere when other people where around. He read too much into it, maybe. Let his feelings get the best of him.

The pain he feels, the rejection, the loss of something good with Johnny. All of this is his fault.

So he turns around. Walks away. Puts all of his feelings and hurt and hopes in a tiny little box he locks at the back of his mind. So he never has to think about it again.

It’s fine, he thinks. Everything. Is fine.

 _He_ is fine.

  


-

  


Sicheng doesn’t sleep that night.

In fact, Sicheng doesn’t sleep much at all after this.

  


-

  


They don’t speak for three weeks and five days. Not that Sicheng counted. Not like he had his phone locked up away from himself to keep him safe from calling Johnny. He desperately wanted to. Wanted to hear his reassuring voice, feel his strong hands on his waist, feel his skin against his.

They don’t speak and Sicheng feels awful. He thought cutting it off like a bandage would make things easier, would allow him to breath better, would help him heal. But all it did until now was making him feel like utter shit, guilty of speaking up about his feelings. And he hated it. Hated himself, too.

What’s also funny in stories like this is the people around you, changing, being careful. People have changed ever since Sicheng stopped talking to Johnny. Kun looks at him with sad, pitiful eyes and Ten just blankly stares at him until he can’t take it anymore. He’s been rude to most of his colleagues, been talking back to his boss. Been depraved of sleep. Been thinking about Johnny way too much.

He hasn’t stopped living though. Still goes grocery shopping, still goes out with some friends at night, still walks his old neighbour’s dogs every day. But something is missing, something isn’t right. The loneliness inside of his guts felt unbearable during the first days. Sicheng felt like crying and slowly turning into someone he didn’t recognise. Slowly lost taste of things he thought were impossible to ever _not_ love.

But he’s fine. He’ll survive this like he survived his other breakups, even though this isn’t exactly a breakup. He’ll survive. That’s what he tells himself when he opens the door of the small grocery store down his street. He’ll survive and enjoy the late-night frozen snacks he’s been craving.

Looking down at his phone while he picks his snack up, he cracks a smile at some lame jokes Kun sent him. Kun’s been the most supportive in all this mess. Always just a phone call away, always ready to come keep him company at night, when he can’t take the silence any longer. Always cracking bad dad jokes that weren’t that bad, he has to admit.

That’s why he doesn’t notice the person standing at the end of the aisle, making him drop his snack when he bumps into them.

“Sorry” he says right away, going down to pick up his belonging. When he looks up, wanting to apologize properly, his breath gets stuck in his lungs. It’s like the world stops moving for a second before starting again, double speed.

Johnny is standing right in front of him, eyes wild open, hands in front of him like he was caught doing something bad. And Sicheng can’t speak, can’t seem to be able to move or look away from him. Because Johnny is _here_ , in the little grocery store down his street, buying god knows what at ass hour of the night. What the hell is Johnny doing down here?

Blinking, Sicheng doesn’t lose a second before turning around and walking away. He can’t do this, he thinks. He’s too tired to fight.

“Wait!” he hears, a hand holding him back. He yanks his arm away like he got burned, surprising himself with the force of it. Johnny’s surprised too, eyes widening, hands going up again, surrounding.

“Can we, like, talk?” he asks, voice raspy “Just, talk. Please”

Sicheng thinks it’s the way Johnny’s eyes are pleading him to say yes that pushes him to accept. Sicheng also thinks it’s because his heart is beating way too fast and being way too weak to say no. It’s also because, even I he wishes he hadn’t, he missed him. He missed him and hearing his voice again makes his head spin and his hands buzzing with the need to _touch_. He doesn’t allow himself that. Instead, he shrugs, pretending like this wasn’t affecting him much. It takes them five minutes to pay for their stuff and get out of the store.

The air outside is humid, almost suffocating, but it’s probably just Sicheng’s body messing with him.

Sicheng stands there, in the middle of the side-walk, fists tights. He takes a deep breath in before turning to Johnny. _Be strong_ , he tells himself, _you’ve got this._

Sicheng doesn’t, in fact, get any of this. Far from it. He’s messy, hair unwashed, cloths put randomly together, dark circles under his eyes the side of a city. And when he looks at Johnny a little bit more, in details, he notices that him, too, isn’t in his best shade right now. It’s weird, the feeling in Sicheng’s chest. Johnny looks just as deboshed as him, maybe even worse. Why, he thinks, would he look like this when he was the one who rejected him in the first place?

Sicheng doesn’t want to acknowledge it. Doesn’t want to fall for it. It’s time to protect himself, now. He’s been hurting for too long. So he looks up at Johnny, eyes narrowed, body rigid. He won’t move an inch. They’re not going anywhere else than this street, because if Johnny comes home with him, Sicheng doesn’t trust himself not to flinch.

“Can we do this somewhere a little more private?” Johnny asks, eyes looking around, like he was afraid someone would listen to them. This is the middle of the night, Sicheng thinks, no one is here to listen.

“No” he answers. He congratulates himself for keeping his voice steady, especially when Johnny is looking at him like that.

“Sicheng-“

“Talk or I’m going home”

Sicheng doesn’t want to lose time. Doesn’t want to put himself in more pain than he already is. He wants to go home, eat his snack and cry himself to sleep in peace, far away from all of this. But a part of him also desires to know what Johnny has to say. Is it apologies? Explanations? Sicheng wishes, even if Johnny doesn’t own him any of these. Being rejected is part of life, right. We survive it.

Johnny stares at him for a time, eyes blinking more than it’s necessary and Sicheng knows he doesn’t it keep the tears from falling. He’s glad for it. Seeing Johnny cry would make him flinch. Biting his lips, taking deep breath in, Johnny tries to speak, but no sounds get out of his mouth. Sicheng is on the verge of breaking, of having enough of this game when Johnny finally manages to speak up.

“Were you serious? When you said- when you-“

Words get stuck in his throat and Sicheng closes his eyes. He can’t do this, he thinks. Not right now. Not like this. Especially not when he feels like Johnny is standing there, tall and beautiful even in his worst shape. Love does that to people, doesn’t it? Making you find beauty in someone when they’re actually a mess. But Sicheng doesn’t get fooled. He tries not to.

“Spell it out Johnny”

There’s panic flashing in the other’s eyes and he takes a step forward before stopping. There’re real tears in his eyes now.

“Are you really in love with me?”

Johnny’s voice break at the last words, like he’s in pain from speaking. And Sicheng feels like crying, too, when his chest tightens and his throat with it. Because this is reality. This isn’t a movie or a book about people falling in love and getting together in the end. This is Sicheng and Johnny, two ordinary dudes living in a world that is cruel and harsh most of the time.

Sicheng wants his happy ending. He wants it with Johnny and their three rescued dogs, in a big apartment in the middle of the city. He’s dreamt about it, but he isn’t sure it’s ever going to happen. Not when the person he’s in love with refuses to be loved. By anyone.

“I am”

Sicheng hates opening up, hates when people know his weakness and vulnerability. Sicheng doesn’t hate it when it’s Johnny, tough. In fact, he wishes for Johnny to know all of him, every detail, every dirty and messy details there is to know about him. Because he loves him so much he would do anything.

Johnny stares at him again, mouth slightly open, eyes glassy. Sicheng looks back, let his tiredness and sadness wash all over him. Because what’s the point of hiding it now? Johnny knows. He doesn’t need to pretend anymore.

“That’s scary” Johnny says, closing his eyes “Being loved”

A police car passes next to them, lights open. A couple laughs at the other side of the street. Someone enters the grocery store. Life keeps going, yet it seems like they’re both in a different time line. Cut from the outside world.

“I’m sorry I’m scared to be loved” Johnny repeats, looking at Sicheng one more time before the tears starts falling down his cheeks.

And Sicheng knows, better than anyone, how scared he is. Been the witness of the panic attacks, of the rambling. That was the reason why he didn’t want to tell him about his feelings. That was the reason why he kept it in deep, deep, deep inside of him. Until he couldn’t anymore. He wants to say it’s alright, that they don’t have to act on it, that nothing will change and they can simply pretend like it never happened. Sicheng would lie again if it meant he could speak to Johnny again. He would.

But he can’t. That would hurt too much and he’s tired of hurting all the time.

“But I’ll give it a shot”

Johnny’s words don’t make sense to Sicheng right away. It feels like an illusion, Johnny’s mouth moving and words forming. Sicheng doesn’t react until his brain screams at him, making the words turning in his head over and over again until it feels dizzy. Sicheng can’t move, can’t breathe, doesn’t understand what is going on right now.

“I’ll give it a shot because I like you” Johnny repeats, getting closer, so much closer Sicheng has to lift his chin up. “I like you very, very much” is whispered so low Sicheng doesn’t think Johnny actually spoke. But the fear and sincerity he sees in Johnny’s eyes tell him everything there is to know. And he doesn’t believe it. Can’t believe that Johnny is willingly accepting his love, accepting to give _them_ a chance.

He’s giving them a chance.

Them.

“Please, Johnny. Don’t play with me” Sicheng says, closing his eyes.

“I’m not. I promise I am not” Johnny tells him, voice shaky “I know how I am, how I get, and you know it too. But, Sicheng. I’ve been thinking. I’ve been thinking about my feelings and what I want and I-“

Johnny takes a deep breath in, hands coming up, caging Sicheng’s face in them.

“I missed you” he starts again “I missed you so much it felt like I was dying”

 _Me too_ , Sicheng thinks, smiling to himself. _Me too, Johnny_.

“Not speaking to you, it made me realise how much I cared about you, how much I needed you near me, all the time. Not being able to call or text or come over, it was awful. And I realised” he laughs “I realised I cared about you too much for it to be simply friendship”

For the first time in so long, Sicheng’s body feels warm. His heart feels warm. His face feels warm under Johnny’s palms.

“I want to give this, to give _us,_ a chance”

Sicheng can guess Johnny’s next words. _It won’t be easy_ , and _I can’t promise you not to mess it up_. But it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because he’s trying, he’s jumping in the ocean that’s been scaring him all of his life. For him. Dong Sicheng. His messy, authoritarian best friend he met after hooking up. This is so, _bizarre_. But it’s them, it’s how they work together. And they’re going to make it good.

“I’ve been waiting for you for so long, Johnny” Sicheng says against Johnny’s lips “So long”

“I know, I’m sorry”

It’s salty when their lips touch. Salty and wet and messy but Sicheng smiles through the kiss, laughs and holds on tight to Johnny’s shoulders.

 _We’re fine,_ Sicheng thinks, as he takes Johnny’s hand in his, walking him to his apartment.

We’re fine.

  


-

  


The greatness doesn’t come right away, but it does eventually.

The greatness doesn’t come right away, but it would have been too easy if it did.

The greatness comes after they take the time to know what they want in this, when they put boundaries and rules. It comes when Johnny tells Sicheng “I love you” back after two months of going out on dates. It comes when Johnny finally accept that someone can love him, and he can love them back. Without fear.

It starts with a stare, Sicheng decides. All of this. All of Johnny. 

**Author's Note:**

> hit me up : @__babybird_  
> also, don't hesitate to dm me if you have any ideas for them !


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